When Worry Wins

date-62740_1280 (1)

I am all too familiar with this time of night; the darkness, the sounds, the angst. I know the worry and restlessness that surfaces when I most need to rest. 2:00 am is an hour in which my mind and heart cannot be soothed.

Last week I had a job interview. It was a job I was really excited about, and thought that it could be a good option for me.  It seemed to me that the interview went well and they wanted to move quickly.  I was excited, but I didn’t tell anyone.  I wanted to guard myself from disappointment if it didn’t work out.  In some ways, I am not as resilient as I was before. Disappointment is so difficult to weather.  So I quietly hoped, just a little.  I dreamt about what life could look like if everything “fell in to place.” Not that anything really falls into place.  Realistically, each piece that is in place is hard-earned; forged out of tears, and toil, struggling and guessing.

I waited all week with my phone by my side.  The call never came.  And then I finally called them, and still never heard back.  The disappointment came as expected, only harder. By 2:00 am it swallowed me whole.

On this particular night, my mind travels a well-worn path. What if taking this time off of work to find a new job was a huge mistake? What if I don’t find the right job, that one person who believes in me? What if what I want, what I am asking for, what I am looking for, is not realistic? What if I can’t provide for my family? What if I am not doing the right thing for the kids?

What if I am doing this all wrong?

I think through each scenario in my head.  What would I do, what would happen? It weighs down on me so heavily. I have no idea how to put our little life back together.

I open  my iPad and google, “effects of divorce on children.”  As if google could tell me that everything is going to be alright? I start reading articles that speak to my deepest fears.  Children of divorce are at higher risk for all the worst things.  The articles talk about single mothers who struggle with finances, patience, time and resources. I hear all of those concerns, and I know there is some truth to them.  Of course there is. I refuse to believe that my children are doomed to a future of mediocrity because their parents are no longer together, but the concerns are real. This was never God’s design for family life. How can I do it all? What matters most? What can I give them?

I can’t give them promises about what the future holds. I can’t give them a family that is whole again. I can’t protect them from struggle, disappointment, devastation or loss. So much is out of my control.

I wander from bedroom to bedroom in the darkest part of the night.  I give them the only thing that I have; a mothers love that is fierce, protective and enduring. I softly touch each forehead, pull up covers, and send up silent prayers in my head. The kind of prayer that is spoken only with a pleading heart and a raised head.

“Please help me. Please point me in the right direction. Please protect them.  I’m here. We are here. Do you see me?”

The tears roll down my face, and I’m listening, but I don’t hear anything.

I wrestle some more. I try to sleep, but it never comes.  Not this night.  I know the morning will come, and I will get up and I will keep going. For now, I sit in the dark and I wait.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “When Worry Wins

  1. I just this week met some women I knew from High School
    It was our 50th reunion
    Amazed at the resilience of women like yourself whose husbands abandoned the great priviledge of being the head under Christ’s directions to lead a wife and train up their children , gifts from God whom He had entrusted to their care
    Women like yourself …that rare group whose faith and strength had been called up and tested in the fire of single parent adversity they never dreamed would be their lot
    How I admire the way they had found their legs as the seas of the worlds tumult tried to take them down in the dark nights of tossing one scary scenario after another into their minds
    God is gracious and ever wat hung over those who trust and lean upon Him
    But “how ” to do that many wonder
    Sometimes it is just as you have concluded your beautifully expressed thoughts
    You get up and put one step in front of the other
    And in His footsteps found in the pages of His word we find the narrow way that He has foreordained that we should walk in them

    He has said “no good thing will the Lord withhold from those who walk uprightly”

    And ” a man’s gift wil make room for him”
    We hang onto the scriptures mentally and walk in the Words He had scribed so we do not lose hope or our way
    There are many who say nice sounding words of advice and well meaning words of comfort but only the word of God can and will direct the path of one who takes heed and consumes them daily

    “No good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly”

    He told us to study…His Word ….it is the “daily” bread….Jesus said “I am the bread that came down from heaven”

    Take eat….He has not forsaken you and wants to take all of your trials and cause you to have a testimony of His faithfulness …bringing glory to HIM with the outcome of your gauging had to lean upon Him and not your own understanding …in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM and HE WILL direct your path

    I got one of the best jobs of my life when I just kept the Word daily and then proceeded to go out and seek

    In a timely fashion someone dropped by a mutual acquaintance asking if anyone knew of a believer needing a job….the president of the company wanted a believer …despite my lack of training and experience in the kind of work they had .

    We often times allow God to end up in a “box ” of our imaginations making

    Take heart…He knows what you need…in the mean time His command is for us to study to show ourselves approved unto God a workman that needs not to be ashamed rightly dividing the word of truth. 2 Tim 2:15

    🍞🍷

    Like

  2. Hi Dana those dark in the middle of the night times are our times of healing ,when we can cry and our children don’t see us we can be our true selves be angry be mad at God stamp cry sob our hearts out but when you walked into your children’s rooms with gods arms around you he showed you your job a job well done 3 beautiful children sleeping dreaming protected by gods angels knowing you are there in the morning knowing they are loved and safe what a job we don’t know gods plans for us always but he does these times are times our faith grows as you love your children God was in your room that night sometimes we can’t figure out things the what if’s and buts just know they are taken care of you are a precious woman of God his daughter and wonderful loving mother so in those times just know you are never alone he hears you and loves you love ya Paula x

    Like

  3. Oh Dana. I am so right there with you. I wonder what I can do to get my very young children through this. How can I ever be enough. If I drop one ball, their whole lives could fall apart. It’s a lot. Too much. Just know you are not alone, and your words are helping me as I begin this journey.

    Like

  4. Great companions in your journey Paula’s reminders and Christies appreciation of your situation

    True true ..you are never alone

    Praying for you all

    But also Jesus is ever making intercession for us…He is the mediator between God and man
    And He is faithful🍞🍷

    Like

  5. Your words touched me in such a deep way. You are a true kindred spirit although we have never met. God never lets go of us…He watches you while you sleep much as you watch your own children sleep and He loves you with an everlasting love.

    Like

  6. Pingback: Day 2 – Guess Who Came To My Door Last Night?! | Singled Out In Colorado

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s