“Hi there. Is there something I can help you find today?”
“Yes, umm, I wanted to look at your pest control options?” I look down at the ground as I reply.
“Ok, what kind of pest?”
“Well I have seen a few ants around my kitchen, and, uh, rats?” I quickly mumble the last part. Just point me to the aisle buddy. Some roads just have to be walked alone.
“Are you sure they aren’t mice?”
“No sir, rats.” I saw one.
“Okay let me show you what we have.”
Don’t think for a second I don’t notice his smirk. I know he’s judging me, I can feel it. I follow behind him obediently. He takes me to the aisle and starts pointing out options, telling me what ‘he likes best.’
I take out my camera and snap a photo. I have to document everything these days. He looks at me quizzically. I explain, “I just want to show all the options available.” (and I meant to you, my reader, because I know you care)
“To your husband?”
“Um, do you have a 6 foot trap?” I couldn’t help it. It shot out. I didn’t mean it, exactly. P.S. If I had a husband would I be here right now, taking care of this thing?!
“Excuse me ma’am?”
“I’m sorry, can you show me how it works?” I point to the Tomcat. It’s a black thing with menacing teeth, and a ‘secure-kill’ guarantee.
He gets down on the floor, demonstrates the set-up, and discusses its effectiveness. He tells me how to bait it, how to open it back up, and how to dispose of the body. I nod solemnly. He sets it off and it snaps across the floor. I jump a foot off the ground.
“Yeah it is really loud. You will probably hear it go off tonight while you are sleeping,” he chuckles.
Seriously. That’s just mean.
Then he says, “Definitely put one by the trash. I would also put one in the kitchen and the dining room. You will need a few.”
Oh man, NO. They are outside sir. NO. Oh my gosh, and I thought I was embarrassed before. I lift my arm to grab a couple of boxes and notice a hole in the armpit of my shirt. I’m totally flustered. This is a mess. I load the cart, thank him, and get moving.
I exit the pest control aisle with my arm pinned tightly to my side. I pick out a few fall decor items on my way to checkout. It gives me something to cover up the traps in my cart. Plus, I believe in the power of retail therapy. I find an empty checkout lane and plop my items onto the conveyor belt. The checkout clerk looks across my items and says,
“This is the time of year for those traps. I guess you have some big ones huh?”
I smile sweetly. “You have no idea.”
Back at home I survey the landscape. I set the trap as instructed.
The peanut butter is globbed on as bait. I feel terrible…in a powerful and excited kind of way. I’m taking back my patio. Sleep tight my friends. Let’s see what the morning brings…