Day 7 – Who Knows?

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This morning I wandered Costco.  That is a dangerous activity.  Usually wandering Costco costs me 200 bucks.  Today I was very disciplined; I didn’t even purchase a shirt, a giant tub of chocolate almonds, or a pre-lit Christmas tree! I was there to look at the books.

I walked to the book section and circled the book tables a couple of times.  I fanned the pages and ran my hands across the covers. What would it take to see a book at Costco with my name on it?  A book written by me?  Where did those authors start? What was their first step?  What was the risk that they took?

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When I was in high school and college, I wanted to be a Doctor. I’m not exactly sure why, but it sounded very exciting to me.  To feed my interest I read books and watched reality T.V. programs about doctors.  I also religiously watched ER; my brother even made a tape of the sound-track for me so I could listen to it in my car.

In college I majored in Biology and was on track to apply for medical school. I didn’t get straight A’s, but I did work really hard and my grades reflected that.  By the time I reached my junior year, it was time to study and take the MCAT.  This is an exam that determines eligibility to med school, along with other factors.

I decided not to do it.

I’m not sure if I was tired of going to school, or I had genuinely lost interest, or if I was scared to try. I really don’t remember.  It was probably a combination of all of those things.

I regret that.

Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a doctor.

Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten in to med school.

Maybe I would have.

Maybe I would have been a fantastic doctor.

Maybe my life would be totally different from how it is now, or maybe it would be exactly the same.

Who knows.

The regret is that I did not try.  It was my dream. I should have pursued it. I should have taken the risk.

Obviously I have had a lot of other dreams since my early twenties.  Many of them have come true, and are better than I imagined. Other dreams have been epic failures. I did everything I could to succeed, risked it all, and still, it failed. I didn’t fail.  My dream failed. I am still standing, and learning and growing, and dreaming anew.

Maybe I can survive failure?

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Now there is another dream that I have.  A dream that is alive and breathing, and it’s not too late. I can hear it in my head. It is the dream to be a writer.  It’s a dream that I have always kept tucked away, safe in the confines of my own mind.  Sure, I have dabbled at it here and there, but I have never really gone for it. I know why.  It is easier to think about that dream, and visit it, and imagine what “could have been,” than to actually risk it.

Once I let it out of the box it may take flight, or not. It may be a short-lived phase that fills a gap in my employment, or it may be the beginning of an even bigger and wilder dream.

Who knows.

I am going for it.

(PS.  The exterminator comes tomorrow.  I will fill you in)

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11 thoughts on “Day 7 – Who Knows?

  1. Pingback: 31 Days of Showing Up | Singled Out In Colorado

  2. Then you could also go back to med school – just a thought. Crazy, I know. But you’re not dead yet 🙂 (I know, helpful) BTW – you may wanna read a book called The Emperor of all Maladies – a doctor wrote it. Maybe it’s your sweet spot – medicine and writing all in one?!

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    • I appreciate you pointing out that I’m not dead yet! Although I would need someone to raise my kids and pay our bills for quite a few years if I went back to school!
      I will read the book you suggest 🙂

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      • YOU ARE, YOU ARE A WRITER!!! Very few blogs do I follow, but I follow you. You are interesting, relatable and definitely have a way with words on paper. YES, GO FOR IT, keep trying until you realize if this is what you want or not. Maturity is changing and trying.

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  3. I have a girlfriend who went back to medical school when she was 50 and she became a physicians assistant It’s something she always wanted to do and it was hard work but in the end she’s doing the work that she knew she would’ve loved when she was younger but maybe appreciates more now that she’s older

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    • Thanks for the encouragement Colleen. I haven’t really explored what that could look like. Maybe I should. 🙂
      And my friend Ashlee said, I’m not dead yet! Maybe I could write about that!

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