Day 14 – When We “Mean Well” (What now!?!)


Today is the third and final day in a series of posts.  You can find the preceding posts here:  When We Mean Well:  Part 1 and Part 2

Dear Bible Study Leader,

I have had a few days to consider what you shared with me in our phone call. I would like to share a few of my thoughts with you.

I am hurt. I thought I was angry, but really I am hurt.

I am hurt because I felt like you judged me. I felt like you suggested the kind of love that I brought to my marriage wasn’t good enough. You made me feel like I must have not tried hard enough, or prayed hard enough. If I had, my marriage would have survived. I don’t think our God works that way.

I too believe in marriage.  I am 100% in agreement with you on the kind of love and commitment that it takes to hold a relationship together. I gave my whole heart and soul and life to my spouse. I think I understand the covenant of marriage; what it is supposed to be, and what it isn’t. I also understand that it is a covenant between two people.  Two people have to honor it, fight for it, pray for it, and agree to stay in it.

The War Room sounds like a good movie, with a great message.  Marriage is hard, and it is worth fighting for.  I hope that it helps those who need to hear that encouragement.

It doesn’t sound like a good movie for me. It is a Hollywood happy ending that not everyone gets. I agree that God can redeem anything. Sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes things happen that we do not understand. That is not a reflection of my faith or performance, or His love. Not everything is in our control. I wanted that happy ending.  I didn’t get it. I am not that happy with this, frankly, but I am learning to accept it.


I am hurt because I didn’t feel seen by you.  You didn’t ask me to share my story or circumstances.  You didn’t ask me if I was ok.  You didn’t ask me if I was willing or able to open up my heart. You didn’t ask me if I wanted to put my marriage back together or not.

You saw me as something broken.

Something to fix.

Behind my smiling face, is a girl whose heart was broken. You couldn’t know what lengths I went to in order to save myself, my family, my dignity, my faith. That’s ok. It shouldn’t matter.  There is so much more to a person than just their relationship status. I am the sum of all my parts, not just the divorce part. I am worth knowing.


I am hurt because I want to feel safe at church. My faith and my marriage were closely tied together. When my marriage fell apart, my faith suffered as well. Now I am struggling to see where I fit in. Someday, I want my family to be part of a church community again. I want to be invited to the table, to be loved and accepted; divorced or not.

I forgive you for hurting me. I don’t think you meant to. There needs to be more grace all around; for you, for me, for all the rest of us. Sometimes we really hurt each other, even when we mean well. I have done it, you have done it, we all have done it. We need to show up for one another. Showing up doesn’t mean fixing, guiding, or judging. Maybe it is easier than that.


I see you.

There is room at my table.

We have got to get better at it. We don’t want to turn people away, we want to draw them in.

Love, Dana

PS. I ordered new rat traps on Amazon.  They come in two days.

PPS. Tomorrow I will be writing about rainbows and puppies.  Rest easy. 🙂


7 thoughts on “Day 14 – When We “Mean Well” (What now!?!)

  1. I have been on both sides– the judge and the judged. Your posts have helped me to be more careful and thoughtful with my thoughts and my words. I have a place for you at my table. Please don’t give up on finding a place to worship. There is a perfect place full of imperfect people waiting to welcome you and your family.


  2. Dear Dana,
    Please don’t! Don’t write about puppies and rainbows! As much as I love them both, I appreciate your raw honesty so much! I have a dear friend who is going thru a separation/possible divorce right now, she wants to work and fight for the marriage, he doesn’t sound so sure…. It’s heartbreaking and as much as I want her marriage to work out, as much as I would love to see them stay together, specially because they have three beautiful children, thru your honesty I am learning how to be there for her. How to understand her and not to try to “fix” her or her marriage. God has a plan and as long as we have breath He is not done with us yet, that’s my firm belief!!! Thank you SO much for sharing your heart… Your follower and sister in Christ, who has also walked the path of infidelity….


  3. I never, ever thought of you as a quitter. I’m so sorry you had to be hurt in this way. But you still showed up, with compassion and forgiveness. You are a warm and nourishing woman, and I am so very proud and fortunate to know you.


  4. Hopefully she will begin to open her eyes and treat everyone with the same consideration and respect. I pray that you find peace and a support system to help you sort out your spirituality. A lot of Christians have been taught pro-marriage messages for the last two decades and she might not be able to turn her back on them easily or quickly especially if she believes those messages to be equal to the word of God. If she doesn’t accept that her attitudes and actions are harming you, all you can do is pray for her and chose to limit your interactions with her as much as possible. I hope it doesn’t come to that.


  5. Beautifully written, I have seen so many people hurt by that simple motivation to ‘fix’ someone instead of learning who they are and just appreciating them. I hope that you continue to stumble across people who are simply interested in you, and not fixing the hard parts of your life (don’t we all have those?). I’m sorry it happened though, how painful!


  6. Dana,
    I have been there, as you know. Hanging on to your self esteem is the hardest part. When it happened to me I had to rethink how I felt about a divorced person, which was now ME. If someone has not been there, they have no right to judge you or “help” you. Sometimes it is the best decision for a person to make. Also the hardest and most painful. Love you,


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s